Guest Review: Pipedream PumpWorx Beginner’s Power Pump
Penis Pumps, even more than other male sex toys, have a certain stigma attached to them. The common opinion, amongst many men is that if you need a penis pump it means that you have a small penis and you need to take the embarrassing step of purchasing an unsightly item in an attempt to make it bigger. That’s also a view that is reinforced in most male upbringings via countless comedy films (Austin Powers springs to mind), Viz comics and numerous jokes with your mates down the pub or at football training. Penis pumps are embarrassing like haemorrhoids and premature ejaculation.
Which is actually how I came to be in possession of the Pipeworks Pump Works Enhanced Penis Enlargement system (a fancy term for a Penis Pump). Each year my friends and I run a Secret Santa between us where the rules are simple- offend whoever you have to buy for. So, when we all met just before Christmas for a festive drink and the exchange of our gifts it didn’t take long before my brand new Penis Pump stood proudly in the centre of the table amongst the empty pint glasses to great amusement. I got some funny looks carrying it from bar to bar that night I can assure you and, contrary to popular belief, girls don’t appear to think they’re sad and pathetic. Girls are actually intrigued by them and want to talk to you about them! Penis pumps may not be embarrassing or weird after all it would appear, maybe they’re normal? That said, please don’t mistake this as advice to take a penis pump to the pub in order to meet girls. That’s a very bad idea.
Fast forward a few weeks and the festivities of Christmas had passed and I’d long forgotten about the Penis Pump that was now gathering dust in the back of the wardrobe before, out of nowhere, it suddenly piqued my interest. I’d initially dismissed the Pump as a funny joke, nobody actually uses them right? But what man doesn’t want a bigger penis? Using this pump may be embarrassing, I thought, but what if it actually gave me a member that would make girls wink at me as they walked passed me in the street and saw my bulge? Nobody has to know it’s the work of a penis pump! I’d made the decision. Somebody (quite who remains a mystery) had bought me this, it’d be rude not to use it. What could go wrong? Well, as it turns out, a few things.
The box was crap, you can see it in the picture and frankly there’s very little more that can be said about it. It’s a box, it held the pump. End of story. Although in hindsight I doubt it had been designed to be taken on a pub crawl so I’ll give it some credit. Inside was the pump which comes in a few parts that you have to assemble along with a super stretchy cock ring and some creams which claim to encourage penis growth.
First things first let’s talk about the creams, they’re crap and useless and made no difference. I may as well have smeared some engine oil on my knob, at least that would have formed an effective lubricant. I’ve nothing more to say on this. BTW notice I said “EFFECTIVE lubricant” and not “safe.” That was deliberate, don’t ever use engine oil as a personal lubricant you fool.
Next, the cock ring. It’s actually a good little cock ring. It looks tiny and you don’t think it will fit but then you realise it’s super stretchy and does the job nicely. It’s reason for being here is surprisingly obvious when you think about it. Penis pumps work by encouraging as much blood into the penis as possible, the cock ring is there to act as an elastic band and discourage the blood inevitably flowing back into your body away from your penis. They market it as an added bonus in the packaging but it’s no coincidence, that little thing is an essential to keep the blood in the penis.
Lastly, there’s the pump itself. This consists of three parts. The hard plastic tube, the pump/tube which connects at one end and then a soft rubber seal which slots on the other end and has a circular hole for you to insert your penis. Now, it’s important to say at this point that penis pumps can be dangerous and I will try and point out some of the dangers. However, before using one yourself make sure you read the instructions.
Once assembled I decided to give it a whirl. The pump can be used with either a flaccid or erect penis and since I was at that point flaccid I decided I’d go with that. Lubricating the insertion hole with some water based lube it took a little force to fully insert myself as the hole is quite tight (in order to form a seal) and, as anyone that’s suffered erectile dysfunction will know, prodding at a tight hole with a flaccid penis is a tricky affair. But after a few uncomfortable prods, a couple of swear words and a scary moment involving my foreskin my penis was now nestled inside the hard blue plastic tube looking ashamed of itself and monumentally depressed like something from an animal testing facility.
There was no going back now, I took the pump section in my hand and gave my first squeeze. Air was forced out of the tube and I felt a strange tugging sensation at my penis as, sure enough, blood started to be drawn into my penis and I felt it begin to swell. A few additional pumps later I had a solid, involuntary erection of my typical size contained within the tube. At this point in proceedings I chose to take a picture of my penis. I’m not quite certain why but I did nonetheless. I still have it in my phone if anyone has a slightly perverted desire to see a, slightly smaller than average sized erect penis in a penis pump. But I wasn’t finished yet, I wasn’t here for normal (or slightly smaller than normal depending on what your definition of a normal sized penis is.) I was here for a bigger cock!
I got pumping.
This is when things got more uncomfortable. As a kid did you ever blow air into your mouth and puff out your cheeks as much as you could? Do you remember how that made a slight stinging sensation as your cheeks expanded passed what they were used to? Well imagine that sensation on your beloved penis and that is what using a pump is like, only now the discomfort of the stinging sensation is counteracted by the amazement of watching your penis bulge wider and longer than you’ve seen it go before.
And now, with your engorged penis trapped inside this strange torture machine, you now enter into a psychological came of cat and mouse. It’s dangerous to over-pump as you can essentially burst blood vessels in the shaft of your penis and nobody wants a burst penis. But the thrill of seeing just how big you can make it go is always niggling in the back of your mind so you keep slowly pumping to see how far you can go before it gets too painful to continue.
Similar to over-pumping you also shouldn’t use it for too long (I think 30 minutes is the maximum) and after a few minutes I became bored of having an uncomfortable, forced erection that was too painful to pump further so I clicked the release valve which released the vacuum that had been created. Another few uncomfortable moments and swear words later I’d managed to pull my penis free from the tight seal and was now able to view my glorious new penis. It looked…exactly the same.
Well, that’s not entirely true. It looked redder and slightly swollen but this may have just been from the discomfort of inserting and withdrawing it from the tight seal. Any increase in size that I’d witnessed when pumping it beyond its normal size inside the chamber had deflated now and my penis had returned to its normal size despite putting the stretchy cock ring on the moment I’d been free of the pump. My penis was deflated and I was deflated. It had been for nothing.
It’s important to say that the instructions make it clear that only regular pumping can have a sustained effect on your penis size but the discomfort, embarrassment and seeming lack of immediate results mean I’m highly unlikely to try it again. I’m conscious that, at this point, this is actually less of a review of the pump and more of piece on my experience with a Penis Pump. As a pump the Pipeworks Pump Works Enhanced Penis Enlargement system seemed to work as it should but as I’ve never used one before it’s tricky to review since I have no basis for comparison. Ultimately though, would I recommend it to anyone? No, in all honesty I couldn’t.