My First Time
This is a difficult thing for me to talk about, even after nearly 6 years since it happened. But I met Greg through a website called VampireFreaks. On VampireFreaks, you can join ‘cults’ or make one. This isn’t anything creepy or sinister, they’re just groups on any kind of topic you could think of. I was in one for bondage because it interested me and I was really curious about other things. I was 16 (a month shy from turning 17) and still a virgin. I was highly active in that cult because of the nice and friendly members and there was lots of topics that we talked about, not just sexual ones, and I felt accepted for who I was. Then I got talking to this man named Greg. He was, I think, about 27 or 28 at the time. I wasn’t physically attracted to him at all but he made me feel special and sexy, we were always flirting and when we were inboxing each other, he was sweet as well as flirty and said nice things about my looks and personality. I was honestly flattered that an older man actually took an honest interest in me and didn’t seem like all he wanted was sex.
So, eventually we swapped numbers and then we were texting each other, as well as talking on VampireFreaks for about 3 or 4 months. I never brought up meeting because I was really scared and nervous and back then I’d never met someone from the Internet before. He then mentioned it one afternoon and I said, don’t you think it’s too soon? He said that we’d been talking online and through text for over 4 months now so no it isn’t too soon. So I let him make the arrangement to meet. We both lived in New Zealand at the time, but he lived about 5 hours away from me. Which was a pretty big deal to me and made it even more nerve-racking because he’d have to stay in a hotel somewhere.
After it got to the weekend, on a Friday while I was at school, he said he’s arrived at the motel. And I felt like I was about to puke right there. He asked me to meet him after school but I said I’ll just meet him on Saturday. So we did and I stupidly told him my address and said for him to meet me outside my house. It was pretty early in the morning and my gran was still asleep in bed, my granddad was away on a business trip for work so it was just easy to slip out and not be asked any questions as to where I was going.
When my hand was reaching for the doorknob, I could literally feel my heart beating so fucking fast and hard. I really thought I was going to have a heart attack or something, I so badly wanted to back out, but he was outside my house already so I had no other choice but to meet him.
I did. And it was awkward at first and we both said hi and started walking over to his car that was parked further up the road. I was really nervous but I didn’t feel as scared because I felt as if everything was going to be alright. But it didn’t turn out to be alright at all.
Once we got into his car, I knew something was really wrong. Why? Because he had his fucking hand on the front of my pants and was feeling along my underwear through my pants. I was really scared and I felt like I was about to cry, but I didn’t. He said I had nice panties on, and that he could feel the lace through them. I didn’t reply, it felt like my throat was just closing up. But I cleared my throat and stammered “do you not want to kiss first?” He said “oh fuck yeah,” and basically attacked my face and mouth with his tongue and stuck it all in my mouth and slobbered on my face.
That made things so much worse and I just wanted to get out of the car and run away and call my granddad to come and save me. But I didn’t. I stayed in the car and then we drove away from my street. I never felt so alone and vulnerable in my whole entire life than I did at that moment. Well except for the moment in his motel room..
We drove around for a little bit, with his hand constantly rubbing my thigh. In my mind, it felt like his hand was extremely heavy and not something I was able to push away. Like it weighed a ton and I wouldn’t be able to get it off me no matter how hard I tried.. After driving around for a little bit, he asked me if I want to go back to his motel room. I wanted to just drive around and go somewhere public, so that’s what I said. He said we would have more privacy in his motel room and we could be together properly like that because he loved me. So I relented. And that’s where we went. Back to his motel room. I’d give anything to take back the decision, I really would. But I can’t.
When we ended up in his motel room, he was basically all over me. He was on top of me, just grinding against me and feeling between my legs and kissing and licking all over my face like some mutt. It was fucking horrible and I just wanted it to stop, but I was afraid of what would happen if I said no. So I didn’t say anything at all. Then he got up and took his boots off and laid down on the bed and pulled me on top of him.
He then asked me if I wanted to have sex. I said I didn’t know. What I really wanted to say was no I fucking don’t, get the fuck away from me you disgusting cunt! But again, I never said anything at all like that. I told him I was on my period so I couldn’t really do anything. But he said he didn’t care and that I should go into the bathroom and remove my tampon and he’ll put a towel down on the bed.
After I came out, I was in my underwear in front of him and visibly shaking. He said, “you’re nervous as fuck aren’t you.” I basically just muttered a yes and he said he was too. He knew I was a virgin but that didn’t make him be gentle with me, at all.
Before we did anything, he got lube out of his bag and put some over his cock. I thought this was weird as I never mentioned that I wanted to have sex before we met. I now realise that he’d planned to fuck me all long, that just never occurred to me at the time.
He then forced me on top of him, holding his cock upright and shoved his cock into me. It really fucking hurt and I grunted from the sudden intrusion. Felt like he was tearing me apart basically, his cock wasn’t even that big either. He kinda started to move my hips up and down while thrusting up into me.
I was starting to cry from how much it hurt and I could feel everything was all squishy down there from the blood and the lube. I don’t know if it was because I had my period or because he’d made me bleed from his cock, but it was probably a bit of both. I was in a lot of pain and when he looked up and saw my face just wincing and tears down my face, he didn’t say anything or stop, he just kept on fucking me. Violating me.
Eventually we swapped positions and he flipped us over and got on top of me. To be honest, I would have preferred for me to just be on top because at least then I wouldn’t have him looming over me, covering my face in drool every time he went to kiss me.
I just laid there, letting him violate me over and over. I was still silently crying but he didn’t stop. He didn’t even care that I wasn’t moving. He just battered at my insides with his cock.
At the time of this event, I was taking the pill to try and make my period pain hurt less every month. I was extremely thankful that I decided to go on the pill because who knows if I had gotten pregnant or not.
After he was..’finished..I don’t really remember much of what happened afterwards. I think we just had a shower together, even though I just wanted to put my clothes on and go home. I was completely silent the whole time and he didn’t mention anything about me crying, he just acted as if everything was fine and that I should be proud of losing my virginity. Losing my virginity? It was fucking stolen from me!
After the shower we just got dressed and I said I had to get back home because I don’t want my gran to worry about me. I nearly cried when I said that. I knew she would be worried and at that moment, I just wanted her to come and rescue me. But only I could rescue myself from that monster.
So he took me home and parked at the top of my road. We both didn’t say anything as I left and I just shut the door behind me, I heard his car leave but I didn’t look back.
I took a shower again once I was home and I scrubbed all traces of him off me and I started to cry in the shower, scrubbing my vagina raw.
The next day, I felt so sore. I could barely sit down and when I did, it really fucking hurt. I couldn’t even insert a tampon after the rape because it just hurt too much to do it. I actually don’t even know if I was still on my period or if I was bleeding from the abuse.
But when Monday came back around, he texted me asking how far away school is from my house. I said it was about 10 minutes walk away. I don’t know why I still talked to him. I think at the time I just thought it wasn’t rape because I hadn’t said no. I hadn’t stop him from doing anything to me. I’d just laid there and felt powerless. But when I was walking down to school, I saw him there. I got really scared and I wondered what he wanted from me. But he just gave me a necklace. He said I deserved it for being such a good girl on Saturday. I didn’t say anything and I just took it. I then just said bye and went into school. For once, I was happy that I had to go to school, at least then he couldn’t really follow me in.
When I saw my best friend at the time, I gave her the necklace and said that she can have it. She asked me where I got it and I said some guy gave it to me and that I didn’t like it. I told her what happened with him and she said it sounded like he raped you. But I didn’t say anything to that. I didn’t tell anyone else for a long time, only a handful of people know about it. My gran knows, but I told her years later and she didn’t have much to say about it.
Me and Greg still texted each other after that weekend, I still don’t know why. I was really naive when I was 16 and I thought he actually loved me because he said he did. I was pretty fucking stupid and I wish I could take it all back, but obviously I can’t. It’s taken a lot of courage for me to post this on my blog, but I have anyway. It’s kind of like therapy for me, and after just only a few people knowing, I think now is a good time as any to tell whoever’s reading this what my ‘first time’ was like. I know it wasn’t a story of romance or excitement, but things just don’t always work out how you plan them.